There are so many easy targets out there for letters such as this. I had hoped that the customer relations departments possess a sense of humour and reply in kind. Alas, they couldn’t have been less imaginative. However, I don’t give up that easily.
10th April 2010
Customer Relations Department
100 Victoria Embankment
Dear Customer Relations,
THE LYNX EFFECT
Every spring for the last few years, a family of starlings has moved into the eaves of our house where they nest, and produce lots more starlings before leaving again at the end of the summer. Every morning at 4.30am on the dot, they suddenly come to life and take their morning exercise by running up and down the length of the house within the eaves, just above my daughter’s bedroom. It drives my daughter to distraction and makes it impossible for her to enjoy a good night’s sleep.
The problem is that try as I might, I cannot find their route into the eaves. Also, because of the way the roof is constructed, there is only the smallest gap between the main loft area and the eaves so I am unable to fill the void with wire netting or similar material to stop the little blighters from getting in.
A couple of weeks ago, I had an inspired idea. It occurred to me that if I could spray something totally revolting into the eaves through that tiny gap, I might make the flying rats decide to go somewhere else. Then I thought of Lynx Body Spray. Memories flooded back of how horrible our teenage son used to smell in years gone by when he used the stuff to attract members of the opposite sex (with very limited success it has to be said). Could the potion developed to attract ‘birds’ actually be used to repel them?
Off I went to the bedroom he used to occupy and rifled through his cupboards. Sure enough, amongst the spot creams and anti-bacterial face washes was the little black can. A quick spray revealed that it was just as I remembered it – disgusting! I went straight to the loft and emptied the entire can into the eaves of the house. Result: The starlings haven’t been near the place since!
I think I may have stumbled across a new product line for Unilever. What do you think?
The reply was disappointing to say the least:
21st April 2010
Thank you for your recent email regarding an alternative use for our Lynx product.
We welcome all suggestions and ideas from our consumers and I will pass your comments on to our Product Development team so that they can consider them in any future developments.
Thank you for taking the time to contact us.
So I thought I’d try again:
23rd April 2010
Many thanks for your reply but I’m afraid I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough. You are failing to see the potential corporate growth that Unilever could enjoy with its new pest control division – and you don’t even need to develop any new products!
Imagine how much money BAA must spend each year scaring birds away from our airports. Just a few Lynx Body Spray dispensers down the side of the runways and the problem would be solved forever. You could make millions. You could even get rid of the pigeons in Trafalgar Square – a giant can of Lynx on the fourth plinth and Hey Presto!
Of course, its possible that it doesn’t just work on birds. Obviously, the Lynx Bullet is just the right size to fit in a rat trap. Rebadge your Peperami Minis as bait to entice the rodent into the trap and as soon as he’s in there, a quick salvo of Lynx Instinct and he’ll be throwing himself in the nearest river within minutes.
I think you should get your R&D Department on the case straight away.
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