I came across this letter to the Vegetarian Society during one my regular trawls of the internet looking for funny complaints and silly letters. Its author, Hayden Edwards, sends rather silly letters to unsuspecting retailers and service providers. Hayden’s Blog, ‘To Whom It May Concern..’ (see sidebar for link) contains many very funny examples including a complaint to Sainsburys because the trout she bought at the fish counter wouldn’t swim in the garden pond!
Dear Vegetarian Society,
It has been 15 years, a few days and a couple of accidently deleted answering machine messages since my elderly neighbour Jean turned to me in IKEA’s childrens ball pool and said “You should be a vegetarian”.
She always has words of wisdom and she was so right. From that day on, I proudly called my self a Vegetarian. I even managed to resist buying those beautiful hotdogs on the way out of IKEA. Jean didn’t, she managed to gobble down 8 at the bus stop before she was sick.
Over the last decade and a half as a vegetarian, I have enjoyed spreading the word and have even succesfully managed to convert an alcoholic and a nun to the good cause. I have written to Quorn, bought a goat from a farmer to save it (unfortunately it did pass away 2 weeks later after it got stuck in the cinema) and am writing a book of recipes I have invented for others to enjoy.
However, since yesterday my faith has been badly damaged and I don’t know what to do.
It all started when Jean and I decided to take a cycle to the beach as the weather was beautiful. Jean was showing off as usual and rushing ahead when I spotted a tractor in the distance which appeared to have no driver, I shouted and shouted to Jean to warn her but as I did so, something, perhaps a fly or a baby owl flew into my mouth and I swallowed it whole!
All my hard work as a vegetarian had been ruined.
I am writing to ask for forgiveness and guidance as I’m frightened I may have actually enjoyed the taste and may be tempted to cycle around with my mouth open in the future.
I hope you can understand urgency of my letter and that your response will be a rapid one.
Full marks to Bronwen Humphreys at the Vegetarian Society for sending a reply:
As it seems unlikely a baby owl would be out in broad daylight, I think it is possible you may have swallowed a fly or some similar winged insect. As it was an accident, no-one would blame you.
I’m sure most of us have experienced little slip-ups in a lifetime of vegetarianism and it would be a shame to say that one incident ruined all the positive aspects of being a long-term vegetarian. You should just try and put it behind you.
Local Network Co-ordinator
You can follow Hayden on Twitter: @HaydensWords
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