Nestle: May the Spooge be With You

1050x400 may the spooge be with you



This letter was submitted by Jen Bridges, author of the highly original OfHerbsAndAltars Blog (link in sidebar for those who are not easily offended).  This is one of Jen’s less unusual letters and it received a great reply from Nestlé:

Dear Minion to Nestlé,

I write to you today, regarding your ‘Ski Lemon Mousse’. I saw the packaging and thought, ‘Mmm, lemon mousse, well that sounds very nice indeed!’ I gaily tossed one into my basket, then thought ‘What the hell – I shall go wild and buy two packages, for where could I ever go wrong with something so wonderful as a lemon mousse’. So, I survived the Easter Saturday till-scrum, and skipped joyfully home with my purchases. On arrival, I gleefully whipped the top from said mousse. Oh dear, I said to myself sadly, surveying the deflated spooge inside. It was a sickly shade, akin to the spongey yellow skin of a drained corpse. I stuck my spoon into it, and it only got worse. Around the outside, there was a strange, dribbly secretion , resembling some kind of unpleasant mucus. And think yourself lucky, dear reader, for this is the less explicit metaphor I could have used. But, I thought, come now – one should not judge a book by its cover, beauty is in the eye of the beholder! So I took one giant leap for mankind, and put the spoon in my mouth… It tasted, dear reader, like crap. Now, as you realise, I would prefer to use a flowery, poetic metaphor – a one word description cannot build a full picture, I feel! But sadly, the only word that suffices, is crap. The texture was something akin to polly filler, a sort of unpleasant, shrivelling squidge.

On the pot, I see gleaming, juicy, Sicilian lemons, against a backdrop of bright blue sky – warmth, promise, beauty! Oh, cruel world that you are, to offer such promise, and deliver such spooge.

I survey the pot, morbidly curious about this nemesis, this cruel demon that has cast so much misery into my path. I see it describes the aforementioned mucus as ‘meringue style sauce’. Oh deary me. I delve into my pot, searching for answers. The mucus bubbles wetly, pooling beneath the frothy spittle of the spooge, resembling nothing more than stale urine.

I could go on, waxing poetical about the Jism of Beelzebub that is the Ski Lemon Mousse. I am tempted to go on a conquest of tasting, sampling the others flavours of Ski Mousse, mayhaps sending you a cheerful communication on the subject of each. But I won’t. I have things to do, like sitting down. But I feel you needed to know, dear reader – the truth is out. It is within you now, like a hookworm, wriggling as it burrows into your stomach lining. You have the truth – what you choose to do with it is up to you. Are you up to the challenge, brave warrior, of single handedly toppling the evil Ski Mousse Empire, armed with this burning sword of truth?

Fare thee well, little crusader. May the spooge be with you.

Samuel

(Gratefully hijacking this email address. I don’t have one – ghastly things. I do rather like Youtube though…)”

 And Nestlé’s reply: 

“Dear Samuel

Thank you for getting in touch about our Ski Lemon Mousse.

We were of course very surprised and disappointed to hear that our popular and yummy dessert was so unappreciated by your clearly very refined palette.

Of course we appreciate that every man, woman and child cannot enjoy all of our products and taste in food is very much subjective, but we also appreciate the honest and articulate feedback that you have given us. We will of course pass this on to our colleagues in the marketing and brand teams so that they may feast on the veritable banquet of storytelling that you have bequeathed unto us.

Thank you once again for taking the trouble to contact us, especially after such a trying ordeal. I hope you feel assured that your so-called “burning sword of truth” has been plunged into the very heart of the Ski Mousse empire.

May the spooge also be with you.

Yours sincerely

Paul Jones
Consumer Relations Executive
Consumer Services”

 
 

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