Instant Restaurant Complaint Letter

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Here’s a little gift for everyone.  As part of  one of the pledges for the Dear Customer Relations book at Unbound (http://unbound.co.uk/books/dear-customer-relations) I am putting together a selection of instant complaint letters, a tear-off pad of which will be given to the most generous pledgers. As it’s Christmas, I though I would make one available for everyone to download and here it is.

This one is the restaurant letter and can be used to generate anything from glowing compliments to scathing criticism in seconds.  All you have to do is fill in a few blanks and the tick all the appropriate boxes.  You can download a PDF copy at the bottom of the the post:

THE
DEAR CUSTOMER RELATIONS
INSTANT RESTAURANT COMPLIMENT/COMPLAINT LETTER

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[ insert your address]

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[insert restaurant address]

Dear Stars of the Culinary Firmament  Sirs  Cretins,

A REMARKABLE DINING EXPERIENCE

My wife  family  friends business colleagues  and I had the privilege  dubious pleasure   gross misfortune  of dining at your establishment on the  …………………………………….……………… [ insert date]

We were originally going to go to Le Manoir Aux Quat’Saisons    The Fat Duck  The Dog and Duck  Little Chef  but  we heard such wonderful reports about you  I got made redundant last week  the car broke down   everywhere else was shut so we were guided to your door.

It was certainly a visit I won’t forget in a hurry.  The starters took so long to arrive I almost  died with the sheer pleasure of anticipation grew a beard  broke into the kitchen and made them myself   ate the tablecloth and when they did, they were a revelation  an abomination  not big enough to satisfy an anorexic gerbil  colder than a brass toilet seat.

The steak that followed was exquisitely flavoured and expertly cooked à point probably once known as Dobbin  burnt to a crisp  so rare it was asking for an appointment at the vets  and the sauce was out of this world  out of a packet  impossible to identify  missing altogether.  Quite how you were able to bring this miracle  extraordinary concoction atrocity to the table in less than two hours is beyond me!  Your chef must surely have been trained by Michel Roux  Keith Floyd  Attila the Hun  □; Hannibal Lechter!

The wine you recommended was the perfect accompaniment. The 2005 Wyndham Estate Bin 555 Australian Shiraz 2012 Dusty Bin Cleckheaton Lambrusco  2013 Aldi Discount Bin Antifreeze was truly memorable, though other wines will now seem ordinary by comparison  I doubt that grapes had a starring role in this particular vintage  my dentist says that I can have veneers fitted to cover the damage.

Our amazing gastronomic experience concluded with the legendary dessert trolley. My delicate Zabaglione flavoured with vintage Marsala wine  Spotted Dick Butterscotch Angel Delight was so remarkable that it simply had no need for the edible flower petals hundreds and thousands □; pubic hair garnish so thoughtfully added as a decoration by the kitchen staff.

And as for the service, it was beyond compare! The waiter with the  dashing good looks limp  virulent acne  stomach-churning halitosis  was so sweet    utterly incompetent    spectacularly rude    off with the fairies.  He couldn’t do enough for us   find his arse in a dark room with a candle  string a coherent sentence together  even keep his trousers up.

He probably thinks that we were a terrible nuisance boning a fish is a deviant sexual act  pappardelle plays centre forward for AC Milan  Heston Blumenthal is a type of cheese.  By the time the meal was over, I wanted to kiss him  enrol him at catering college rip his head off  shoot the bastard.

And when the bill finally arrived, it was such a lovely surprise it was such a bloody relief    I needed defibrillating to get over the shock.  The entire evening really was a spectacular fine dining experience  distinctly average  the stuff of nightmares.

 Yours faithfully,
  Yours, disgusted
  May you rot in hell,

………………………………..

PS.  We will certainly be back soon  with more of our friends   with the environmental health people   to torch the place.

See you soon!

© www.dearcustomerrelations.com 2013

Dear Customer Relations is unable to accept any liability for legal action, retribution or physical violence that may result from sending this letter.  At the end of the day, it’s you who ticked the boxes!

Pledge your support for the Dear Customer Relations book (and get a whole tear and share pad of automatic complaint letters like this one) at www.unbound.co.uk/books/dear-customer-relations

 

So here it is. Simply click on the button below and the file will download.


 
 

If that made you smile, please consider supporting the Dear Customer Relations book at Crowd Funding publishers Unbound. You can get your name printed in every edition of the book! Just click the link below:

http://www.unbound.co.uk/books/dear-customer-relations

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