Comedy writer Stephanie Yuhas was less than thrilled when Verizon Mobile sent her a bill for a cell phone which she didn’t even own. Apparently, someone had stolen her identity – or at least part of it…
Dear Customer Relations,
Attached is the police report from my identity theft. This is in addition to the two forms of ID, credit report, and stool sample you requested in your previous letter.
Over a dozen of your agents have called to ask:
- If Stephanie Jackson was my alias.
- If at some point my last name was Jackson and I forgot.
- I was perhaps married to someone at one point with the last name Jackson.
- If bought a Verizon cell phone in Texas and then forgot about it.
I would like to officially put my answers to these questions in writing, for your super-official documents, so your kind agents can stop calling me at the butt-crack of dawn:
- I have no alias because I am not an international spy. Should I become an international spy in the future, I will go with the name Kick Buttkicks. No wait, Flip McCrackin. No wait…You know what, I’ll let you know when I’ve decided so you can update your super-accurate files.
- The movie “Memento”1 was not based on my life, so I have no problem remembering my one-and-only name.
- If I was unwilling to change my last name legally for my wonderful, one-and-only husband, I would certainly not change it for some random alternate-universe husband named Jackson. But if I ever figure out how to travel to alternate dimensions, I solemnly vow to never go back to the past, marry someone named Jackson and fill out the annoying paperwork to change my last name so I end up becoming Stephanie Jackson in the present. Doing something irresponsible like that could create a Verizon Mobile paradox, and we can’t take that kind of risk.
- I have never been to Texas2 because I have an irrational fear of cacti, and I would never open a Verizon Mobile account because GoogleFi3 is better.
I truly hope you find whoever this Stephanie Jackson person is. Should I ever meet anyone named Stephanie Jackson, I will be sure to slap her in the face with a large, raw fish for causing you all of this trouble.
Of course, I might be slapping the wrong Stephanie Jackson, but hey, you’ve gotta punish people for wrongdoing, right?
Come to think of it, I should learn from you and slap anyone named Stephanie in the face with a fish and accuse them of being named Stephanie Jackson. Only then will the real Stephanie Jackson come forward. To be fair, I’ll fish-slap myself first to get the ball rolling. Yes, yes, this sounds like a reasonable solution that is in line with your corporate policy.
Speaking of your corporate policy, I especially appreciate how whenever I call Verizon’s customer service, ping Verizon’s Twitter, and send out miscellaneous V-Shaped smoke signals in Verizon’s general direction, your agents refuse to give me the account number, phone number, or any other information because I am not Stephanie Jackson.
They would like me to pay this $1200 bill, but they are also committed to protecting *her* private information.
Hold on a second.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Phew, that’s a good one.
I’m getting junk mail in her name, too, from when you so graciously sold *her* information to your logical corporate “partners.” I’m sure Stephanie Jackson would love to buy expensive frilly underwear to match her fraudulent cell phone. Just put the panties on my tab, aka, i.e., social security number, along with all of those raw slapping fish I need to buy.
I hope none of this fish-related violence offends you. For all I know, you might be a vegan. Or vegetarian. Or a fish. This might be a P.O. Box under the sea, I don’t freaking know.
But if you are offended and would like to get rid of me, or if you are a reasonable human/human-fish hybrid, could you kindly remove Ms. Jackson’s account from my otherwise spotless credit report? Otherwise, the next letter you receive will be from my attorney. She has a crapload of fancy diplomas, which gives her the legal authority to be super mean and collect large settlements from folks just like you. And she bites. Not in a sexy way, in an Ozzy Osbourne/Mike Tyson kind of way.
So for your benefit, I think it would be best if we wrapped this up here, okie dokie?
Stephanie “Never Been a Jackson Even Though I Know the Steps to ‘Thriller’” Yuhas
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Stephanie Yuhas is an award-winning creative whose projects have been screened at dozens of international film festivals. She is a professional writer and producer at Cinevore Studios (Nerd vs. Geek, Dialogue Tree) and Crystalline Studios. She does outside production consultation for studios, as well as creators like Joel Hodgson (Mystery Science Theater 3000 Turkey Day), as well as Cinemassacre (AVGN: The Movie, OverAnalyzers). Her debut book, American Goulash, was published by BookTrope in November of 2014.
She is also the founder and Executive Director of Project Twenty1, a 501(c)3 non-profit organization that runs programs for emerging filmmakers, including the 21-Day Filmmaking Competition and annual Philadelphia Film & Animation Festival. She is the co-founder of Norristown Arts Hill where she focuses on economic development through the arts. Yuhas gives lectures and participates in panels at universities, conferences, and conventions on the topics of independent film production, comedy writing, and crowdfunding. In her lifetime, she has killed over 100 houseplants and fish.
Find out more about her work here
Memento is an unusual 2000 American neo-noir psychological thriller film directed by Christopher Nolan. It stars Guy Pearce (LA Confidential, The King’s Speech) and Carrie-Anne Moss (the Matrix, Chocolat). Memento is presented as two different sequences of scenes interspersed during the film: a series in black-and-white that is shown chronologically, and a series of color sequences shown in reverse order (simulating in the audience the mental state of the protagonist, who suffers from anterograde amnesia – an inability to create new memories). The two sequences “meet” at the end of the film, producing one complete and cohesive narrative – or so they say, I haven’t seen it. ↩
For UK readers: Stephanie comes from Pennsylvania, which is a very long walk from Texas. They don’t have cacti in Pennsylvania. ↩
For UK readers: <strong>Google Fi</strong> is a new network that piggy backs onto other wifi and mobile data networks. I don’t think it has landed in the UK yet ↩