Always: Have a Happy Period!

DCR has seen complaints on all manner of subjects but this is one of the most unusual. This rant (and it is certainly a rant) penned by Wendy Aarons, is about the tear-off strip on a panty liner. Yes, really.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features.  Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dry-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.  But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.  Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?  Ever suffered from the curse?  I’m guessing you haven’t.  Well, my time of the month is starting right now.  As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.  Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’  Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’.  Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.  You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.  In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.  Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened a maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:

'Have a Happy Period'.

Are you ****ing kidding me?  What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period?  Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?  Well, did it James?

FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man!  If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere.  And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.

And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi  Aarons
Austin , TX

Wendi Aarons is an award-winning humor writer and blogger who lives in Austin, Texas with her husband and two sons. In the past few years, she has written for a number of publications including McSweeneys, and for Esther’s Follies, Austin’s famous comedy revue. She has been has also been a commentator on Austin’s NPR station, KUT. Wendi is one of the creators of Mouthy Housewives and the much-lauded twitter feed @paulryangosling. She is also a writer for US Weekly magazine’s Fashion Police.

8 thoughts on “Always: Have a Happy Period!”

  1. Personally, the comments she suggested (put down the hammer, etc) would have made me laugh had I spotted them on the product. That’s a step above the random quotes on Taco Bell sauce packets or Snapple caps. I think it’s brilliant. Of course who knows how other PMSers would respond.

    Reply
  2. Lol, this letter is genius, but this woman should’ve waited until her time of the month was over. Somebody had PMS! Anywho, though the “Happy Period!” thing really only makes me laugh, I agree that Periods suck. It’s four in the morning and I’m waiting for the motrin to kick in.

    Reply
  3. Oh lord, my Writing teach back in high school used this as a example for personal letters. That was like…two or so years ago. This still cracks me up.

    Reply

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