Best Ever Funny Emails
Here, DCR is going to build a collection of funny emails that have been forwarded across the world from friend to friend. Send in your funny emails to anthony@dearcustomerrelations.com and I'll publish the best ones here. In the meantime, here are a few from my Inbox to get the ball rolling:
Sent: Friday, January 30, 2009 6:21 PM
Subject: FWD: Warning
Scam Warning
I normally wouldn't forward email warnings, but this one is important.
Please send this message to everyone on your email list.
If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your arse, DO NOT show them your arse. This is a scam; they just want to see your arse.
I wish I'd got this email yesterday. I feel so stupid ...
Date: 29 September 2011 10:04:36 GMT+01:00
Subject: Very Apt
A WOMAN’S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
With big tits who owns a bar on a golf course
With Sky Sports TV, and loves to send me
Fishing and drinking.
I know this doesn't rhyme but I don't give a shit.
Sent: 22 December 2004
Subject: RE: Bird Watching
Take a look at the two birds below. Study them closely and watch their habits.....
See if you can spot which one is the female. It can be done, even by someone with no skills whatsoever in birdwatching:
Sent: Sun 06/02/2005 17:01
Subject: FWD: Stress Test
I'm not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture:
The attached photo has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.
Sent: 07 February 2005 11:34
Subject: The system analyst knows best!
Dear Systems Analyst,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up alot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installsitself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization, where it monitors all other system activities. Applications such as "Boys'
Night Out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crash the system whenever selected.
Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but de-installing doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
.. AND THIS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID:
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once it is installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key. It may be necessary to run C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\KISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "EatingOutWithout The Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short Skirt Version) or "OneNight Stand 3.2" (any version), as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst